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Do you know how I was able to lose 165 pounds? I got to the point where I had
enough! It was Christmas time 2000. My 16 year old daughter was wheeling me
around in a wheelchair at the mall, because I was so heavy and with such back
pain that I couldn't walk from one store to the other. Christmas is my favorite
time of year. I love both my girls and Krystle was the 16 year old. I did not
like the fact that I couldn't walk on my own, and liked it even less that my
kind hearted and loving daughter, without complaining, helped me to get around.
The love, guilt, and need to stop this kind of life created my inner voice that
one day before Christmas, and I said to myself, "no more." I do not want my
children and husband to take care of me like this. Two roads, symbolic of the
two paths that I could choose, flashed before me in my inner mind. I could not
bear another day thinking that this less than a healthy and happy lifestyle was
meant for me. I did not want it, and wanted even more to do something about it.
The thought of living a life of hell, growing to an enormous weight towards 400
pounds (I was well over 300 at this time), and having hardly any quality of life
was just not the way I wanted this to end. The love for my family opened up the
desire to fight for my life. And that is just what I began to do.
I went online and began to do research into alternative ways of weight loss.
Like many people have done, I've yo-yo dieted for many years, all the way back
to the age of 15. I will write more about all of this at a later time, but
through the determination to try to find an end to this what I thought to be a
fated dead end road which left my heart, soul, and spirit embracing a flameless
candle, I found that the solution for me may be the gastric bypass surgery.
After having tried every single method in every book I could consume as well as
with the support of my doctor, this was the only way to go.
I had the surgery on June 25th, 2001. Before surgery, from the day of the
turning point at the mall at Christmastime until that day, June 25th, I had
began to mentally and physically wean myself off the people, places and things
which stood in my way of my health, life, as well as the happiness of myself and
my family. We are all affected by those around us, especially those with whom we
are more strongly connected to. What we do affects everyone around us. I
realized that it was so very selfish of me to be so physically handicapped, and
for no reason, other than the fact that I had become an emotional eater. It is
an addiction of the food kind. I still consider myself an addict, and will have
to try to stay "sober" one day at a time.
The word "sober" to me was not of the drug or alcoholic kind (although I still
enjoy those kinds of watery "spirits"), but I learned and became familiar that
whenever I purposefully and mindfully said "no" to food, a strange kind of
openness in my mind began to evolve. This feeling began as a mental and then an
emotional void, which I would fill up with food. Instead of working my problems
in healthy ways (through prayer, friends, loved ones, writing, therapy...you
name it, there are many ways to cope with feelings), I gravitated towards that
which would never let me down - food. It was always there when I needed it. Like
an old friend, I could rely on it any time I wanted to. It was an intimate
relationship - just me and it. When my eating or bingeing was over, I was able
to keep it to myself.
It was and still is a very sad state of existence, to say the least. When my
solar plexis (tummy) was filled, whatever triggered my gravitation towards food
was "fixed" temporarily. But, I would get hungry again, and the once buried
emotional secrets of my mind would soon surface which opened the door to
melancholy, sadness, loneliness, and despair. This seems like depression, but
there are a lot of personal "issues" and situations which may contradict this
layman's diagnosis. Regardless of how I got to this state of mind and being,
food was an never will be the "true friend" or anecdote for what I needed to
cope with those thoughts which become overwhelming to a point where I have felt
so many times that I am as alone as the silence of the desert of the night. I
can live with silence many times, because it also serves as my stage for
healing.
Everyone has their own boiling point that can seem to be a hard place to simmer.
Bringing all of this up to date, I have been able to lose a lot of weight,
become more knowledgeable in fitness, nutrition and weight loss, and decided to
share my experiences with others so that it may help them to find a faint
flicker of light which is all that is needed to have their own solution which
will get them to a healthy state, control their food habits or addictions, and
like me, have a much better quality of life. One of my doctors has told me that
I would have been dead by now if I hadn't turned things around. But, the turning
point begins from within. A friend of mine told me recently that I "have to
believe", and even if you don't really believe that positive change in your life
is possible, even just trying to believe gives you a few steps to climb. Climb
you must, because with all of this change is growing pains. Sometimes I struggle
to know who I am, but the truth is I am aware that what I really am anxious
about is who have I become and will continue to become?
To continually grow as a mature adult individual relies upon commitment (another
word used by my friend) as well as a daily conscious effort to want to take some
steps towards positive change. Just like working out at the gym, some days there
seems to be a lot that can be accomplished, and other days, perhaps only a few
exercises can be done. Change, like the butterfly, begins inside the cocoon. The
transformation from within this cocoon with every individual is truly possible.
It all begins with desire.
We can't change who we are inside, but we can take that emotion and turn it into
motion. Use the "e" in emotion for energy, which is motion in action. And
remember that utilizing support and letting go of the ego that makes us think
that we can do all of this by ourselves will get us farther than our imagination
can take us. Find your support. Remove the people, places, or things which you
feel are affecting your life in a negative way, and replace it with people,
places and things that support your efforts. Yes, this will change your life,
because by changing your environment, you are changing your lifestyle, one day
at a time.
Pam Fottrell
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